Anonymous

Through life you have happy moments even if it’s just one second, but there are people like me who wish to have it. “Don’t be fooled by looks.” We humans see things in different perspectives. Some might get fooled easily, yet others might not. You may see me joyful and presenting a positive attitude, so far the truth is that deep down in my heart, I don’t have the enthusiasm to smile nor to laugh. It’s like my heart doesn’t sense or suffer a thing. If you ask people how they know what they feel, they will probably and more likely say, “Listen to your heart.” For once in my life I want to smile and laugh from my heart. Why can’t I be happy for once in my life? Why is it so difficult to be happy and feel others joy? My life is a big gigantic mess with so many broken pieces, and I’m definitely lost in those ugly pieces, and that is the beauty of it. It is either I lost the most important individual in my existence, or being underestimated by my family. How could you be happy when everything that brings happiness in your life turns you downward? The only feeling I know is sadness, betrayal and a broken heart is what keeps me standing and going day by day.

I was awoken by the sound of a car. It was pending from outside of our dwelling, but I was too lethargic to get up.  When I opened my eyes, Roda told me to get change. I didn’t know why she wanted me to change, but I was too drowsy to consider. We gotten in the car and we drove away. When we reached the hospital, the first thing I saw was grandmother sitting under a tree, crying. I run toward her the instant her eyes met mine and she pull me to hug me so tight. Out of nowhere I start crying, I was so confuse to even imagine why. I saw Roda sitting next to me crying as well. I really don’t remember who told me that my mom was dead, but the first thing that came to my mind was who would wake me up in the morning? Who is going to tell me funny stories before I go to bed? I know, she was not always available due to her sickness but she was a thoughtful person. She was the only person who paid attention to me in particular. My mother was everything to me, and she was my other half that I will never be complete without it. Half of me died when she disappeared from my life. I used to be energetic person, and very easy to get alone with people. But then I distorted and became a quiet person and lone wolf. I keep my thought to myself and lost confident in myself. From that day, I lost the meaning of life. It took me years to stand up for myself once again. I may have moved on, but never for once slipped my mind. No wonder I never felt happy.

The next day after mom’s death, one of my father’s sisters came to talk with grandma about us. We were eight kids; four boys and four girls. My Father was always busy and unavailable most of the time with his job. He would travel all over Somaliland, so he didn’t have time for us. No one could take care of kids without their mother. My aunt asked grandma what they will do about us. Grandma told her that it wasn’t time to talk about this.  Then my aunt replied, “We could give each of the kids to one of our family members, so they could live with them.” Grandma was so depressed, she was in grief and to hear such thing made her even sadder than before. My grandma said, “No one is going to separate them and in fact they would live together just like when their mom was here.” “But this what Abdilahi told me.” My aunt repeated. Grandma couldn’t believe how heartless she was, and answered “I would talk with Abdilahi about it.” The question that hunts me is why did they want us apart? What have we done to them? That was the first day I saw my aunt and the last.  One of my aunt’s younger sisters used to live with us, but left the house in secret the day after the funeral. Why? She didn’t want to take care of us and especially now that we are motherless. After all the things mom has done for her and this was the way she repaid. Honestly, I will never comprehend how they could be cold blooded and heartless people. When I remember those days, I cry for days and thinking about the pain I went through as a kid. They didn’t even have sympathy for us.

After seven years from my mom’s death. Dad remarried mom’s younger sister. This is tradition thing for Somalis to do after their wife or husband dies. We moved to Hargeisa, the capital city of Somaliland. I really didn’t like that idea, I loved and preferred Burao more and never thought of leaving it because that way I was closer to my grandma. Today was not like any other day in my life, something was not right. My step mother Khadra, who I preferred to call her mom because she took care of us and was always there for us. Mom and aunt Amina were acting in a strange way.  They were whispering something to each other. I asked Amina what was going on, but she didn’t tell me. After dinner, everyone went to sleep. Mom called me and told me that she was going to the pharmacy with Amina, so I should close the door behind them. I didn’t suspect anything at that time. I have waited a while for them to return, but I couldn’t stay awake, so I quickly fall asleep. The next morning I wake up early to see whether mom and aunt came back. I was worry about mom and Amina. I went to Amina’s room, but she wasn’t there. Then I went to mom’s room, and she was not there as well. The first thing that came to my mind was to make breakfast for the kids, and send them to school. Mom and Amina were gone for three days, and I had to be strong for my little siblings now that my older sister Roda was not there to help. The first day I was crying like little baby and I couldn’t believe they could leave us like that. Mohamed was only two years old and he kept asking me where mom and Amina where, and I didn’t know what to say to him. I already lost my real mom, so I wasn’t ready to lose anyone else. I hugged him so tight, and he told me to stop crying. How could I do that?  I was overwhelmed. I didn’t know how to act and what to do. Every day I waited for them to come back, stand outside the house. In those three days I had constantly fought with my older brother because he kept beating our younger siblings. We really never get alone with one another. I wished if that was the only problem I was dealing with. Unfortunately, the day mom and Amina left, my midterm exams started. I didn’t have time to study my lessons for the exam until the kids fall sleep and then I had to choose whether I want to sleep or study for my exams. I have to wake up at 5 am in the morning and make breakfast for the kids and sent them to school. Mohamed and I were the only people in the house. After the children came back from school at 12, then I had to get ready for school and give them launch as well. I would send them to Malcamad (Quran School), and come back from my school at 6 pm. I kept asking myself why they leaved us. What happened that made them leave us? Will they ever come back?  They say things happen for reason, yet I couldn’t find a single reason for this case. Perhaps there is a reason after all.

Overall my life was not the greatest life anyone would wish to have. I never had a single happy moment in it, my life was tough, I lost my mother in young age, but it kept going on. My mother is the happiness in my life, but she was not with me. She left me when I was five years old.  From the day she left this world, my life was chaos. I didn’t know who to talk with nor trust. It is true that I never felt happy, but that doesn’t mean that I will never taste happiness in my life. Even if it’s one day I believe I can become happy and remember that, “Happiness is way of journey not a destination” (google.com). I may have lost a lot of things, but I have so much to prove.